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Favourite quotes to ponder whilst enjoying your pint of Bartrams Beer

"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre frontal lobotomy" (Tom Waits)

"You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of football team or some nuclear weapons but at the very least you need a beer" (Frank Zappa)

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her" (W. C. Fields)

"Beer is living proof that God want us to be happy" (Benjamin Franklin)

"Corrupt politicians make the other 10% look bad" (Henry Kissinger)

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink, when they wake up in the morning that's as good as they are going to feel all day" (Frank Sinatra)

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders, I hate necks" (Steve Martin)

"Never trust a man who, when left alone with a tea cosy doesn't try it on" (Billy Connolly)

"Some one complimented me on my driving today, they left a note on the windscreen, it said parking fine" (Tommy Cooper)

"I hate people who think that it is clever to take drugs ... like customs officers" (Jack Dee)

"I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived by the sea side" (Ken Dodd)

"I like my coffee like I like my women, in a plastic cup" (Eddie Izzard)

"I remember the first time I had sex, I kept the receipt" (Groucho Marx)

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree" (Spike Milligan)

"If you are young and drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind and make you fat, in other words turn you in to an adult" (P. J. O'Rourke)

"The first time I see a jogger smiling I'll consider it" (Joan Rivers)

"I must have a drink of breakfast" (W. C. Fields)

"If I had all the money I had spent on drink ... I'd spend it on drink" (Sir Henry Rawlinson a.k.a. Viv Stanshall)

"The piano has been drinking not me" (Tom Waits)

"You can't always write a note ugly enough to say what you want to say so sometimes you have to rely on a giraffe filled with whipped cream" (Frank Zappa)

"Gabba Gabba Hey" (Joey Ramone)

"I hate those decadent wenches who do so trouble my dreams" (Rembrandt)

"Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been doing it for years" (Talullah Bankhead)

"I drink too much,the last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it" (Rodney Dangerfield)

"I wonder why they call this porridge',he observed with mild interest 'it would be far more manly and straightforward to give it it's real name" (P.G. Wodehouse)

"I don't do drugs .. I am drugs" (Salvador Dali)

"There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation" (John Ciardi)

"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you are hungry again" (George Miller)

"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it is more likely to be female" (Desmond Morriss)

"You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on" (Dean Martin)

"There are two things I like stiff and one of them is jelly" (Dame Nellie Melba)

"I drink no more than a sponge" (Francois Rabelais)

"Don't do speed, speed turns you in to your parents" (Frank Zappa)

"Actually it only takes one drink to get me loaded, trouble is I can never remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth" (George Burns)

"The reason women don't play football is that eleven women would never wear the same outfit in public" (Phyllis Diller)

"Did Beethoven look like a musician ?, no of course she didn't" (Tony Hancock)

"Football is a fertility festival, eleven sperm trying to get into the egg .. I pity the goalkeeper" (Bjork)

"Pop music is about stealing pocket money from children" (Ian Anderson)

"Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water" (WC Fields)

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone but they've always worked for me" (Hunter S Thompson)

"I eat at this German Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious the only problem is an hour later you're hungry for power" (Dick Cavett)

"I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right hand side sobered up" (Dean Martin)

"Always do sober what you said you would do drunk, that will teach you to keep your mouth shut" (Ernest Hemingway)

"The meek shall inherit the earth .. but not the mineral rights" (J. Paul Getty)

"In the whole of the New Testament there is not one joke, that fact alone would invalidate any book" (Fredich Nietzsche)

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